( Man it's been a while since I did this. )

I'm not sure if I'll ever look over this again, but it seemed too legit of a conversation to let slip away into the endless Skype void.. if anyone chances upon it, give me your thoughts.


Also.. wtf I'm supposed to be fucking studying because I have a huge exam due tomorrow at 10. HRM.

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget." - Arundhati Roy, Come September Speech

This is my Rifa. There are none like her and this one is Mine. My Rifa is my best friend. She is my life. I must master her as I master my life. My Rifa, without me, is useless. Without my Rifa... I am useless. I must love my Rifa true. I must think straighter than my enemy who is trying to part us. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will.

My Rifa and myself know what counts in this war is not the courses we take, the distance we are separated by, nor the time it takes for us to reunite. We know that it is our love that counts. We will love.

My Rifa is human, even as I, and in this she is my life. Thus, I will learn her as a sister. I will learn her weaknesses, her strength, her loves, her desires, her fears, and her trials. I will ever guard her against the ravages of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes, and my heart against damage. I will keep my Rifa cleeean and ready ;). We have become a part of each other.

Before God, I swear this creed. My Rifa and myself are the defenders of kekeke. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until victory is Martel's and there is no enemy, but peace.

Written to Ram Dass from a New Hampshire ass girl in the 70s:



We are one
and one is joy
and joy is pain
and pain is real
and real are you
and you are me
and that is all there is to be.


We are time

and time is wise

and wise is beauty

and beauty is love

and love is you

and you are me

and that is all there is to be.



A hand in hand

a rainy day

a grain of sand

a child at play.



Dogs and moons

and milk and sun,

worldly all is only one.



We are god and god is truth
and truth is light
and light is life
and life is you
and you are me
and that is all there is to be.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself between the sounds and open wide to suck it in, I feel it move across my skin. I'm reaching up and reaching out, I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me. And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been. We'll ride the spiral to the end and...

I'm very done with being alone. :(

I need to go shopping for lots of things.

On the radio
We heard, 'November Rain'
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Case the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

:)

( PS: )

Hey ya'll!!

I figured it'd be easier to just send out a little update to everyone rather than trying to hook up and talk to all ya'll- college is pretty busy!

Despite the work, I can't even explain how much I love Asheville. I've been keeping up with my studies by laying out on a big blanket on the Quad, a rocky outcropping in the Botanical Gardens, or outside my Residence hall (oftentimes reading to several people improv-ing on guitars, flutes, drums, and sometimes a washboard). Today I packed up my Adventure back with my school stuff, wallet, some water and an umbrella and stayed outside all day, wandering from scenic locale to scenic locale reading about American History. It's been really, really nice.

Everywhere you look there are people to talk to and get to know- I haven't met a single unfriendly person while I've been here. On Monday night, newFriend Daniel introduced me to zombie movies and I am a woman enchanted. I have no idea what I've been doing watching any other kind of movie my whole life!!! The over the top gore, the intricacies of zombie-ridden society... it's SO enrapturing. XD Tonight's movie is "Dead Space Downfall". It's animated, so anything goes, which means lots of mutant, 6-scythe-armed zombies being held off by laser swords (and of course, shotguns). It's been an amazing experience to behold. (Christmas note: good zombie moviesssssss!)

I have yet to make it down to the drum circle (it was cancelled yesterday), but there's a lot of good Adventures to be had on campus. My suitemates and I all get along RIDICULOUSLY well, so we spend a lot of good days relaxing and talking in the room. Our TV busted last week, so there's been a sad lack of Mario Party, but otherwise life is very good in Mills 108. Kathy bought a ukelele and we're working on songs for open-mic night together, it's gonna be a blast!

I hope everything is going really well at home. I miss everyone a lot!! I haven't talked to Michael since I left, so although we had talked about maintaining some sort of relationship there, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I was pretty bummed about it the first week, but I've gotten over him for the most part now. It'd still be nice to talk to him though, so I sent him another facebook message asking if he has died. We'll see what happens. XD

Sorry I haven't been keeping in contact too well, things move faster than they seem to here and I don't get much alone-time for phone calls and the like. :) I hope everyone's doin' real well, and I can't wait to hear from ya'll!!

Love,
Kat.

there are a lot of people here, but I am lonely.

August 31, 2009

I miss Michael. A lot. And I'm not ready to get over him, or even to be broken up from him. I don't really think I HAVE broken up with him mentally yet... and it's sad, because he doesn't call, and he is ready to get over me and he's probably trying to.

I wish we could at least go back to what we had. Where he would call me because he wanted to talk to Kat and tell her something about his day and he missed me. But he doesn't. I call him sometimes.. and he'll call me back if I ask him to because I want to hear how his interview went, but by and large, I hear nothing from him. This boy that I've shared so much with, that despite my better judgement, part of me fell in love with.

He rolls his eyes when I say that, and he should, because it's silly and dramatic. But really... it's still significant. He may not be the man I want to marry any more than Nick is (well, a little bit more than Nick is, maybe) but I still loved him. And knowing myself, I fall in love too fast, too easily, and so I know that I didn't love him with my whole being. But it's true, what I used to say, that even within the first month, I already loved him in a different, more beautiful way than I was able to love Nick. Michael and I were friends that happened to be lovers... and that relationship is special. I don't know if I'll ever have it again, because of my new resolutions, and so I don't want it to go away if it doesn't have to.

That's why it's so important I sent that facebook message. Because if it DOES have to go away, I need to know that. I think it probably does, which is tragic in its own right, but since I am an emotional female and I don't want it to, I need Michael to decide for us.

I don't like ex-boyfriends, because I still love them, and I want to love them forever. But I don't think that can be the case.

August 30th, 2009

Wow. I really haven't written a sticky note since I got to college!

Life in the dorm is somethin' else. It's very much the same as I would expect it to be. As Anne mentioned (and now Shannon has too!), I make home wherever I go, and so the Suite is no different.

It's different though... there isn't the same sort of judgement here. I can't quite place exactly what sort IS here... but it's different.

I miss Michael a lot. Not his personality as much as his familiarity, I think. I really did fall in love with him. I think I fall in love too fast, because I love everybody. But that's what makes dating so hard for me... when you love someone, no matter what kind of love it may be, the end of a relationship is a tragedy. And so for couples, whose end is already prescribed, the tragedy cannot be avoided. And I hate it.

I am neglecting God, here.

Capricorn:
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets wha...t he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart.

Today I drank a shit ton of diet coke so that I could stay up and watch Moulin Rouge because I am in a movie watching mood. Instead I watched Enchanted, which sucked mostly- heads up on that one. Patrick Dempsey was a doll, as always, but the falling in love sequence was so incredibly unrealistic... which is obviously what they were aiming for. All the same, I'll stick with Christian and Satine's steamy passions, or maybe Henry DeTamble and Clare Abshire's love which conquers all odds.

Life continues to be very good.

Author's Note: If you have given up on my lj, I don't blame you. But you should read this entry if you are (or have ever been) my friend. Please..thanks.

Wow.

So after congratulations and end of the year celebration and graduation has died down, I finally have a chance to breathe, and actually think about what the fuck is happening in my life right now. I've given it some spare thoughts, I mean, for all of us seniors- who hasn't? But until I started replying to a wall post from Duncan ("So how are ya nowadays?") I haven't had a single moment to myself to actually reflect on this... one of the most momentous occasions in my (in all of ours, really) life.

I said to Duncan, "Oh my god, it's [graduation] tripping me out like you wouldn't believe. We've come SO far from where we were then... it's incredible. And now we're about to be embarking on this even bigger and more wild chapter of life and it's just so intense to consider. I've been doing really, really fantastic- especially since I broke things off with Nick."
There's nothing really I can add to explain dumping Nick, because if you have known me or talked to me about him at any point since February of Junior year, then you know why I decided to do it. After almost a year and a half of trying to make a mismatch work, I finally figured out that we're out of time for that. I want to enjoy my last summer at home... and you know, so far, I have.

"The post-breakup has been kind of rocky, but I made friends with this incredible group of boys shortly before I ended things and every day since we first hung out I've been almost non-stop amazed at how awesome they are. I imagine it's sort of like if all of "The Group" we had at McKelvie never broke/drifted/grew apart, only the Kolski Residence doesn't have all the childhood history we'd have."
The Kolski twins are two supremely dorky guys who still manages to retain a modicum of popularity and prestige at school- surviving their senior year to be Gradmen (a crazy talent show/dance extravaganza by elected Senior guys: Mr. Funny, Mr. Cute, Mr. Intelligent, etc). Their house is a drama-neutral zone, and groups of people hang out there all the time. I went there to smoke hookah with Manasa one day, and since then I've become part of their group/family/thing that is the Kolski Residence. Comprised of some five or so guys and occasionally Anne, The Kolski Residence (vers. Katarsa) is the most incredible and freeing group of friends I've had in High School. They're all very intelligent, very laid back, very dorky, and very loyal. It's been so impossibly refreshing, especially after spending all my time with Nick, to realize that even in Cary there are people like me... so enriching in my life... so much like my friends back home that I've left behind.

And I'm sorry to those friends, from New Hampshire, that I've left. Friends grow up and so often grow apart, and finally something that I've always known- that my dorky brothers-(and sisters-)in-arms from middle school won't be together forever- is finally coming to truth with a sadness and acceptance that I hope I cherish for a long time. Since I moved away, four years ago, all of our friendships have been stretched, some of them probably far too much. But even as our lives have ran parallel for so long and now diverge, I know that all of you: Brendan, Vinnie, Mark, Duncan, Mike (who will ALWAYS be Napoleon to me), Cassie, Ashley, Meaghan, Carissa, Tyler, and Emily... all of you have made me into the person that graduated from high school on Friday night. You've helped me discover myself, helped me realize that I should never have to hide who I am or what I love, and shown me that real, true friends... friends that you can spend 12 hours with, running around the yard with fake swords, or friends that you stay up all night with to watch the sun rise in the morning, or friends whose shoulders you cry on when shit gets bad... those friendships stay with you forever. Drama and separation and all the other shit that being teenagers entails... all of that is just part of what makes us stronger.

"I feel like my entire senior year, maybe even my whole high school career, is culminating in this summer that has barely begun."
I wrote this, on Duncan's wall, thinking that it was still how I felt about the end of my senior year. Before Friday night, this summer was just an extension of Senior year. Just a chance to wrap it all up in something better, so that looking back would be satisfying instead of so laden with wincing. I thought that the introduction of the Kolskis into my life would be a chance to live the highlights of my last two years over again, this time with an actual *group* of friends and without a complicated and stressful boyfriend. But now that the tassel has turned, things are different. I know I'll never get a chance to go back and rewrite that period of my life, but this summer is still a culmination of something. The metaphor of life as a book has always appealed to me, and though in the grand scheme of things, high school might only be one chapter, this summer is a much-deserved epilogue- no longer part of the story, but nonetheless committed to its plot. Even though some things weren't resolved by the time I was done with school, I have an incredibly opportunity in front of me to make new, marvelous memories. And that's what I mean.. All of high school is ending in this final summer, and I intend to make every single second as rich with life and fun as I can.



"There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. But omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves -- or lose the ventures before us."-Shakespeare, from "Julius Caesar"